Viola Jokes

Violists have varying feelings regarding viola jokes. Some are terribly offended by them. I don't mind them so much. I like a good joke, and most of the time you can substitute a different instrument into the joke (such as trombone or violin) and it still works. Besides, there is very little to no truth to them. Here are a few of my favorite viola jokes.

What is the definition of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a former violinist and someone who hates violinists.

A violist and a conductor are in the street. You are driving and cannot avoid them both. Which do you hit?
The violist: business before pleasure.

What is the range of the viola?
About 30 feet if you kick it hard enough.

Why does a viola make an excellent murder weapon?
Because it's the classic blunt instrument and never has any fingerprints on it.

How was the cannon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is the viola called "bratsche" in German?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit on it.


One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."

Why should you never leave your viola sitting in a parked car?
A nearsighted thief may think it's a violin and break a window.

Who makes the best viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.

Ten-year old Susie comes home from her first day of school all excited.
"Mommy, mommy; the music teacher is going to give me music lessons at school. And look, he gave me a viola to play. See? Isn't it pretty?"
"That's nice, dear."
The next day Susie comes home from school full of excitement.
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 notes in first position on the C string!"
"That's nice, dear. Wash your hands, it's time for dinner."
And the next day Susie comes home from school, again full of excitement.
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 more notes ... on the G string!"
"That's nice, dear. Wash your hands, it's time for dinner."
On the 4th day, by 5 o'clock Susie hasn't come home. 6 o'clock passes. 7 o'clock...
Her mother is frantic. She calls the police, Susie's friends ... no word at all.
Finally, at 11:30 Susie comes home - carrying her viola case, exhausted, with a somewhat vacant look on her face.
"Susie, where have you been? Daddy and I have been worried sick. Are you OK?"
"I'm sorry Mom. I know I should have phoned you, but I got a last minute call to sub with the Philharmonic."